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To: n****@rootmytoaster.org
Subject: Help! I’m in trouble!
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:11:17 +0700
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I was at a party, got drunk, couldn’t drive the car, somebody gave me a lift on my car, and crossed on the red light many times, I’ve just got the pictures, maybe you know him?
Here is the photo
I need to find him urgently!
Thank you
Vasuki
OH SHIT!! HE CROSSED THE RED LIGHT!!! HOLY FUCK!!!
Dude, this is what you need to do. First things first, you need to set fire to your car. If he crossed the red light many times, chances are he was caught driving your car. If not, you can blame him for it anyway. Once your car is a blazing inferno, you need to take off all of your clothing. Once you’re good and naked, start coloring on yourself with varying colors of sharpies. The more colors, the better. The trick here is to not leave any of your natural pigmentation visible. If you can get a friend to help you with this, it would be preferable. After that, you need to take a huge dump and then roll around in it. Make sure it’s solid, as you don’t want it to be liquid and wash off your body art. Then call the cops.
Now if you don’t want to call the cops, you can just do this in someone’s front lawn and they’ll call them for you, or you could do it in front of the police station and save some travel time and gas for them. Unless, of course, you steal their gasoline to catch your car on fire. Once all of this is done, the name of the person driving will be given to you in a divination.
Good luck, Vasuki. I hope this helps you.
